Love is confusing.

What is love? I don't understand it and I know I have never truly felt it, for love has to be more than what I think it is, it has to be better.

Here I am. In this state alone. I've come a long way since the last time I wrote. I keep forgetting that I have this. This needs to be my personal diary. Sure the world wide web can read my most personal thoughts, but, whatever, its not like anyone is really reading this. They could be, but I doubt it.

I have so much going on in my head right now. I am content and happy with my life. But at the same time I  am not liking where I am mentally. My mind is at war with clashing thoughts and ideas. My mind is split in half, yelling back and forth with no clear end to this madness. Part of me wants to be alone, to do me, to make my life the best it possibly can be. I don't need a man. I don't need love. I don't need to make myself into someone else for someone. I will change in the way I see fit. Or is change the right word? No, it's not. I am growing into myself, I am becoming the person that I am meant to be. Day by day I grow stronger...even if it feels like a day where I am less than I was the day before. Oh how I wish I was more confident with all those thoughts. As much as I want to be that person that doesn't need love or a man, I can't turn off this constant search in the back of my mind. I am always searching. Always trying to see potential in people. I forget about myself and focus on things that I really shouldn't.

I have terrible taste in guys. Sure, I have high standards and I know what I am truly looking for in a husband, but for some reason I crush on people that are far below the bar I set. Which to me is a waste of time. But I can't deny attraction. I need to learn to not fall so fast. I need to learn to not fall for stupid tricks that boys love to play. I need to learn to focus on what is important, I need to figure out what is important. HEATHER STOP FALLING. You have not found any guys ever that make yo feel the way you really should. And maybe you have, but things don't work out or a reason.

Everything will play itself out though. I know that this is just a process and I just need time to grow as a person. Time is everything and patience is what I need. Everything will work out for me, because I know I have good karma coming my way.

Back and forth

I find myself completely screwing with my mind. I am trying my best, really, its just hard living life and you don't always know the right direction to go. Right now I'm dealing with the crazy rent situation with the ex, how exciting. He mind fucks me into saying what he wants and then I just end up getting fucked. And I say that I want to be there for him and that if he needs help I will and the next day bam I'm going back on what I said, what is going on here? I just want all of this to be over, I want him to stop hounding me on this whole rent thing, haven't I been through enough? Doesn't he feel that he has put me through hell and I don't deserve any more of his torture?

Why can't things just be easy. frngoreghbheroksmfrweagup ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Need?

Need...or want? I am so confused with my feelings right now. I just broke up with my boy friend, quit my jobs, moved out of my apartment and now I am miles and miles away from everything I know, completely out of my element. I find myself trying to find love in all the wrong places, can't I just be independent? I rely on other people for my happiness and I wait on them all day/night. I just wonder why I do this and why I can't stop. Its not like I'm going around fucking everyone, I actually haven't done anything since I broke up, but I have these feelings that makes me want a man by my side. I have this feeling that I need someone to confide in, someone that won't screw me over and tell everyone my deepest darkest secrets. In life sometimes I wish for an easy button, but that will never come so I might as well stop my search for it. Life isn't meant to be easy, if its easy I don't want it. I am hoping that when I move to NC that I find a new person there (myself) a different version with self-respect and independence. She is going to do what makes her happy and is going to stop this search for someone to fill that void, I will fill that void and complete myself. I'll show myself what I am capable of and in the end I hope that my pursuit of happiness gets back on the right track.

Haha, well in the last post, (which was only minutes ago) I said good night and this was it for tonight...but obviously that wasn't the case and I had to get this out as well. This too isn't finished, there is far more that I need to say on this subject, I just need a little longer to clear it all out when I'm not feeling so jittery.

Good
Night

Stepping Stones

I believe that people are stepping stones, people guide us either to our destiny or a lesson. Everyone you meet guides you to take a step, weither its a step forward or backward. I have met many people that will never know how much they effected my life. I regret not meeting the people that made me take a step back, they were just a lesson I had to learn to get to where I am and where I'll be in the future.

I have all these thoughts in my head fluttering around, but for some reason I can't get it out in written form. I wonder why, since this was the only way to quiet my mind in the past, maybe there is just too much to sort through and its been so long since I've released it.

I am starting this new chapter of my life. I haven't a clue weither it will be a step forward or backward, but right now I have my chin up towards my future, whatever it has in store for me has to be utterly amazing. My life right now is all over the place, a chunk of me is left in Minnesota, part of me is in California and my heart is in North Carolina. I am so excited to go there, make friends, learn more about myself, express my art in a way I haven't before. I am waiting for that day that I feel at least a little content.

I guess I haven't really stayed with the whole "stepping stone" theme, but as long as I have it down I can build on it and return to it later. I guess this is it for tonight. goodnight world.

To Truly Believe.

I can feel it. Change. Its a bigger change than I have felt before, and for the most part I am doing it alone. I am nervous, I keep making up these images of unhappiness and loneliness in my head and its scary thinking of the future that is laid out in-front of me. But then I remember how brave I am, how I have come so far, through so many obstacles, and then I remember what got me through it all. I just had to believe, believe in tomorrow, believe in today, believe in myself and the people around me, believe that no matter what as long as my feet are on the ground and I'm still breathing, life will find a way for me. Life will create its own path and bring me to tomorrow, though the sorrows of today are not yet over, they soon will be, and with it comes change.


Change is scary, no matter who you are, young-old, it doesn't matter, when we are faced with change we often turn back to something familiar. But thats not exciting, thats dull and thats not life. 


In a little over a week, I will be moving from the only home I've ever known, I'll be moving from all the people I've ever known and it terrifies me. But at the same time it intrigues me to find out what will happen next. What will happen next?? On my journey along the path of my life, I'll share the changes I will go through so that maybe someone reading won't be so nervous of change, and maybe they will find it in themselves to just let go and believe.


your's truly,
heather