Love is confusing.

What is love? I don't understand it and I know I have never truly felt it, for love has to be more than what I think it is, it has to be better.

Here I am. In this state alone. I've come a long way since the last time I wrote. I keep forgetting that I have this. This needs to be my personal diary. Sure the world wide web can read my most personal thoughts, but, whatever, its not like anyone is really reading this. They could be, but I doubt it.

I have so much going on in my head right now. I am content and happy with my life. But at the same time I  am not liking where I am mentally. My mind is at war with clashing thoughts and ideas. My mind is split in half, yelling back and forth with no clear end to this madness. Part of me wants to be alone, to do me, to make my life the best it possibly can be. I don't need a man. I don't need love. I don't need to make myself into someone else for someone. I will change in the way I see fit. Or is change the right word? No, it's not. I am growing into myself, I am becoming the person that I am meant to be. Day by day I grow stronger...even if it feels like a day where I am less than I was the day before. Oh how I wish I was more confident with all those thoughts. As much as I want to be that person that doesn't need love or a man, I can't turn off this constant search in the back of my mind. I am always searching. Always trying to see potential in people. I forget about myself and focus on things that I really shouldn't.

I have terrible taste in guys. Sure, I have high standards and I know what I am truly looking for in a husband, but for some reason I crush on people that are far below the bar I set. Which to me is a waste of time. But I can't deny attraction. I need to learn to not fall so fast. I need to learn to not fall for stupid tricks that boys love to play. I need to learn to focus on what is important, I need to figure out what is important. HEATHER STOP FALLING. You have not found any guys ever that make yo feel the way you really should. And maybe you have, but things don't work out or a reason.

Everything will play itself out though. I know that this is just a process and I just need time to grow as a person. Time is everything and patience is what I need. Everything will work out for me, because I know I have good karma coming my way.